When you look at the choir do you think Pharisees?

It is Good Friday and here we sit, you out in the pews watching me with my fellow choir members up in the chancel area. Can you tell by watching me that I don’t like this service? That is probably too harsh. It is more that I have never been comfortable with the part I play. It is a beautiful service, but I always find myself wishing I could stop it.

I have friends who have never understood or accepted my decision not to see Mel Gibson’s The Passion. For me, seeing his version of the events that led to the crucifixion are not necessary for me to be mortified that it happened. No, sitting in a leadership role for the Good Friday service is enough to make my heart break. True, I am not one of “the” leaders of the service, but I’m still acting as part of the leadership. Much like most the Pharisees would have done on that original Good Friday. I am participating in the symbolic act of crucifying Jesus. Even when all the other lights in the sanctuary are dim, they still shine on the place where I sit. Each year, I find myself fighting for control of my emotions and nausea. There is always the slightest urge to leave, to not watch. After all, I know how the night ends.

Two things stop me.

First, who will bear witness to this part of the story? Everyone in the room. Everyone who plays out this event on this day. Imagine, this portion of the story is told and reenacted every hour of Good Friday somewhere in world. To ignore these events would be to take away the power of this sacrifice. A sacrifice I cannot fathom. A sacrifice that gives me hope.

Second, I know about Easter, about the resurrection and the hope it brings. It is yet another example of God’s grace and love finding us in those small dark places, where we think not even God can find us or lead us out of.

While, I am truly humbled by the sacrifice made, I am equally joyous to know it was not the end. This knowledge is why I continue to play the part of a Pharisee on Good Friday, while working every day to not play one outside this annual service.